We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize