the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
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