Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
