Dude my mom stole all your condoms
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
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Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
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What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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