I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
