I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
10 Things Your Gyno Wants You To Stop Doing To Your Vagina
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
For Some Reason, Boys Are Singing The ‘Halo’ Theme Song In School Bathrooms
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.