Her vagina should come with caution tape.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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