I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK