I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.