Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
Just spent 45mins blow drying a joint i dropped in a beer....i felt like i dropped his infant child....
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
he just fucked me for my cheese..
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
