I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
At least my shower head will respect me in the morning.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
