you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Also, you need to stop getting hammered and taking showers with people.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
You squatted and peed on the living room floor while maintaining eye contact with Sebastian
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
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