how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
Such a big mess for such a small penis
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
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