Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm so hungover I can't taste anything
Was Mr. ROBOT good? I missed it. I just fucked dental hygienist on the trampoline in my backyard
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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