Hey I don't know if you will get this but all I know is you are so beautiful to .ee and? I dare anyone to stop me me from caring for you ante so beautiful so I kid you not gorgeous iyoiu are so beautiful to me i dare som.eone too stioo you
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Randomize
