Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
You WHAT?!?!
Paid. A. Homeless. Guy. To. Throw. A. Drink. In. Her. Face.
I fucking love you.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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