I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
Randomize
