Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
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Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
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I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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