No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
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