some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
They took my balls.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Randomize
