Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Randomize
