billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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