I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.
Please get laid.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
