im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
29 Cringeworthy Situations People Realized They Shouldn’t Be In
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio