Are you with Adam and his vodka?
Yeswdsssss I masde his pickle gi away ans he go anbnoued
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
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She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
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"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?