mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Tears For Fears is the only thing getting me through life at this moment.
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Randomize
