Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Randomize
