So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Best case scenario you died and I melt into poo
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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