You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
