In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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