My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
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Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
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I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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