2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Randomize