the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
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She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Oh, I forgot to ask if u have any idea what happened to the back of my ear and if u were present when I almost fell off the roof...
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
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I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse