I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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