yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
Is it uncouth to masturbate the night before a gyno appointment?
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
