Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
50% drunk capacity currently
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
Randomize
