As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
for the record, you never really realize how drunk you still are until you get on rollerskates...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
Everyone in Columbus is two degrees of separation from my vagina.
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