So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
