2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Randomize