So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.