I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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