mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Randomize
