I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
You threw up with your ski mask on still.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Holy sore nipples Batman
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
