hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.