Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
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On this egg donor form, it asks "In the past 5 years, have you had sex for drugs or money?" It only gives a yes or no option and no place to explain myself. What do I do?
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
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Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑