i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.