i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
You were right. It hurts to walk today.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.
You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
