All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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