Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
