I puked the same amount of times as the number of bars i went to last night
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
No - a douche bag is not a fashion accessory. They do not make Gucci Douchebags
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
