I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
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Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
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I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize