I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
No just a slight sexual miscommunication which led to a little (lot) vomiting by one party and a bruised sternum on the other party involved.
I can't even make a guess how that goes.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
Randomize
