Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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