"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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